One of the many reasons I love my partner <3

I can't sleep and I lying here going over the past couple of years in particular my almost obsessive need to breast feed. I actually mix fed. Formula does have its place. I am not interested how a baby is fed breast milk or formula as long as baby is fed!
Anyway I suffered with antenatal and postnatal depression, add in a bit of suspected ptsd.I avoided them too for my depression although I did take pain medication. Anyway eventually I was prescribed sertraline, it was my partner who said to the doctor she needs something she can bf with. He knew that even though I did mix feed because I have a chronic pain condition my supply suffered because I sometimes would not be able to feed and had to express which just didn't seem to work for me.
But anyway my baby was about 9 months and not long after that started to prefer food we blw. So I think we stopped at 10/11 months because as selfish as it sounds I needed to concentrate on myself and be able to take decent pain medication and start to look at getting myself 'better'.
So truthfully I am glad we did mix feed and he got every drop that I could manage for him. But I am also really happy that we did stop it was time, that is me and baby both realise it was time to stop and for me to focus on my physical health which was impacting my mental health.
I am going to tell my lovely partner today how grateful I am that even though he  saw the woman he loves at her lowest actually on the brink of suicide he  recognised that if I stopped feeding I would feel a failure. He is wonderful and I don't tell him that enough!
Life is good and thank goodness for my children, my partner, my family and friends and of course our Lord!
God bless x

I have a Facebook stalker . . . . .

. . . .is it you?

Its unlikely that it is because other than very good friends and my partner no one knows its me writing this blog!


♥ Hope ~ Courage ~ Faith ~ Strength ♥

Hmmmmmm that makes me sound like some type of drug dealer!

But I'm not I am a 36 year old Mother of two absolutely awesome (what a fantastic word!) children. My Partner and I have a funny, cheeky, bright 2 and half year old little girl and a cuddly, adventurous, amazing 8 month baby boy.

I suppose you are wondering why I am counting out my pills (not the contraceptive type) that is because I am trying to work out if I have enough of my painkillers to last until the end of next week. I have a chronic pain condition, the type really isn't important, but its enough to have left me disabled. 

We are going on holiday next week, for four fun nights away in Scotland! I should be worrying about what to pack but no I am worrying if I have enough pain killers to last me until the end of next week. This is what my life has come down to, I go back to the fact that I am a Mother, my concerns should be do we have enough nappies, do I need buy any clothes for the children, do we need sunscreen or waterproofs? But no my concern is do I have enough pain killers to see me through or lets face it no one will have a good time if I am miserable and in pain! 

This makes me feel such a failure as a Mother, I am not the Mother I was meant to be and I am not the Mother I want to be! But did I mention that I have two awesome children and a wonderful partner? So maybe life isn't so bad after all! Now I am going to go and write a list of things for that wonderful partner of mine to do, because being disabled means that I have to rely on him completely. But that is another story! 

♥ Hope ~ Courage ~ Faith ~ Strength ♥