I don't know what to write!

I haven't wrote anything for ages! But as I sit here watching the 1981 classic Scanners I am trying not to laugh at the most ridiculous film I have ever seen! Why is it that I am watching it? I don't know what's funnier the acting or the fashion!
But can you imagine if you could hear peoples thoughts! Imagine he you knew their inner most secrets! What would the world be like!
Now I am off to bed now to contemplate the whole idea!
God bless and sweet dreams!

One of the many reasons I love my partner <3

I can't sleep and I lying here going over the past couple of years in particular my almost obsessive need to breast feed. I actually mix fed. Formula does have its place. I am not interested how a baby is fed breast milk or formula as long as baby is fed!
Anyway I suffered with antenatal and postnatal depression, add in a bit of suspected ptsd.I avoided them too for my depression although I did take pain medication. Anyway eventually I was prescribed sertraline, it was my partner who said to the doctor she needs something she can bf with. He knew that even though I did mix feed because I have a chronic pain condition my supply suffered because I sometimes would not be able to feed and had to express which just didn't seem to work for me.
But anyway my baby was about 9 months and not long after that started to prefer food we blw. So I think we stopped at 10/11 months because as selfish as it sounds I needed to concentrate on myself and be able to take decent pain medication and start to look at getting myself 'better'.
So truthfully I am glad we did mix feed and he got every drop that I could manage for him. But I am also really happy that we did stop it was time, that is me and baby both realise it was time to stop and for me to focus on my physical health which was impacting my mental health.
I am going to tell my lovely partner today how grateful I am that even though he  saw the woman he loves at her lowest actually on the brink of suicide he  recognised that if I stopped feeding I would feel a failure. He is wonderful and I don't tell him that enough!
Life is good and thank goodness for my children, my partner, my family and friends and of course our Lord!
God bless x

I believe in . . .

God ! Its as simple as that! I fought it for so long then one day I realised that I needed his help. It was him I called to and him who answered my prayers! Not onlyy did he answer my prayers he showed me that I had faith and that I have finally realised that I needed him and his love! I have met wonderful  people  since going back to church. I converted to catholicism at Easter. I was one of the most wonderful days of my life! I was finally home and surrounded by people  who didn't  judge me and loved unconditionally! Thank you for reading this and God bless x

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I guess my life/blog isn't that interesting! lol!

Oh well I won't lose any sleep over it! I do it for me and only for me. I just read an article about how it is helpful for people with chronic pain to blog about things. Maybe it is, its probably certainly better than ranting on Facebook or even putting a status on Facebook! I put up a status saying I was basically dreading the snow as it would mean I was housebound until it went. . . . I got two likes!!! Seriously its not a like able thing! 

My Partner thinks I say things for sympathy,  I have a habit of saying 'can you help me put my socks on. . . sorry'. His reply is always 'Why is it your fault?' But I am genuinely sorry that he has to put my socks on! But maybe it is my fault maybe I didn't get help earlier, maybe I ignored the warning signs. But at the end of the day it is my fault he can't work and we struggle for money, it is my fault that our children don't always get the things their peers do, it is my fault that I am not the Mother I wanted to be, it is my fault because I haven't been able to get better only worse! 

♥ Hope ~ Courage ~ Faith ~ Strength ♥ 

Come and join my Facebook page!

 Come and join my Facebook page! 
Fingers crossed that will have worked!

♥ Hope ~ Courage ~ Faith ~ Strength ♥ 

Lets run away and get married . . . .

. . . .the words I long to hear! Ha ha!

My lovely friend told me today that she and her partner have decided to go away and get married, just them a few very close friends and their children. No extended family, no party, no hassle!

I guess luckily they both want the same thing. I agree with them I think getting married is about the two people getting married, not about what Great Auntie Doris thinks! The idea of the planning a wedding fills me with absolute dread! 

My suggestion has always been we get married in a registrars office then have a blessing in Church, although we could get married in church, there wouldn't be a problem. The problem is the party after! 

I don't think we would manage to have a lovely day without some kind of complaint, someone would somehow do something that would spoil it for us in some way . . . . . .

. . . .but then again the fall out from if we did run away to get married might be even worse! 


It should be about us!! Just us and our children no one else!!!! 

♥ Hope ~ Courage ~ Faith ~ Strength ♥

Getting my faith on . . . .

Catholicism is a way of seeing
Catholicism is a manner of life
Catholicism has a distinctive texture,feel and resonance
It all begins with and revolves around Jesus Christ, the Word of God

So my journey begins, I attended my first meeting tonight to 'enquire' about becoming a catholic. Although I suppose my journey began along time ago, I was brought up as a Christian, my Mother attended church and had such faith in God and in people. I never really attended church although I did go to Sunday School at the Salvation Army. I was one of only two people to get 100% attendance, not sure if that was more my parents wanting me out the way for an hour or two or if it was a me searching even as a child for answers.

After my Mother died from cancer that horrible disease I struggled to believe in anything. How could there be a God, who would do such a thing to a kind loving person. She believed in him, she believed in the goodness of people and yet she had cancer. My solution to this was to not to believe in anything any more! Such an easy cop out! 

Then I met my partner and we became pregnant with our first baby, a week after we found out I started bleeding. For the first time in many years I prayed. Thankfully everything was ok baby was fine! My partner is catholic and asked that any children of ours went to catholic school and became baptised. I agreed to that but I asked that he would prove his faith as such by going to church. ( I honestly expected a few visits then for it all to tail off). 

The first time we went was Remembrance Sunday and I was about 28 weeks pregnant feeling very self concious, but it was nice and everyone seemed friendly. Things happened he was working and I was in lots of pain so we never really got round to going back again until our little girl was 5 weeks old and it was Easter Sunday, since then we have never looked back, it is like someone described it tonight like coming home. 

So my journey continues, my Father supports me, my partner supports me and I am looking forward to sharing this experience with my awesome children!

♥ Hope ~ Courage ~ Faith ~ Strength ♥